Out to Sea With No Life Raft

I recently went to the doctor because I haven't been feeling well. I've been bone deep exhausted, sleeping through my alarms, sleeping through the kids crying in the middle of the night, both of which is not like me. I've lost 12 pounds because of a lack of appetite. Which may not seem like a lot but when you're only 110 to start with, it's scary.

They did some blood work and everything came back normal (or as the nurse said, nothing to explain my fatigue). It's mind boggling to me. How can I feel so unlike myself and there is nothing wrong?

The doctor suggested depression. I almost started bawling. It wasn't a shock to me. I have been on Escitalopram 10 mg for a year and a half. I was hoping to wean off of it soon. He suggested increasing my dosage. I felt gutted.

I'm drowning. My thoughts are already consumed with my failures. Snapping at my kids too much. Didn't make healthy enough meals. Haven't taught the little one enough. Slacked on trying to potty train. Haven't done enough cleaning. Been late to work too many times. Behind on laundry. Behind on bills. Can't sleep at night. Now we are adding on to that not being able to manage my mental health anymore.

I want to give up. But I won't because my family needs me. My fiancé would be lost without me. He's a fantastic father but he does not excel at scheduling, appointments, organization, etc. my kids need their mom. They need me in their corner advocating for them and kissing their owies.

I will keep searching for a life raft. And I will do it for them.